I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m.
I’m not really a mourning person.
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
Ultimate Dad Jokes
I went to the zoo the other day, but there was only one dog in it.
It was a shitzu.
Why did Dracula not want to attend the business meeting?
He was afraid of the stakeholders.
I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
People are saying I’ve got too much time on my hands.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with.
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens.
What font do they use for the letter noodles in Alphabet Soup?
Times New Ramen.
I asked the carpenter not to carpet my steps.
He gave me a blank stair.
What happens when you cross an angry sheep with an angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaad moood.
You hear about the latest book on poltergeists?
It’s flying off the shelves.
What’s the difference between the United States and a memory stick?
One’s the USA and the other’s a USB.
My 95 year old grandmother is amazing. She still doesn’t use glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.
My coworkers laugh at my jokes during in-person meetings, but never in online meetings.
When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren’t remotely funny.
Why are cats so good at video games?
Because they have 9 lives.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
How do you clean a pig?
Ham sanitizer.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
I hear it’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
The man responsible for inventing the “wind chill factor” has sadly passed away.
He was 98 but felt like 85.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
Why was the math book distressed?
It had too many problems.
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake.
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I love when they drop the ball in Times Square.
It’s a nice reminder of what I’ve done all year.
Why did the baker cross the road?
Because he had muffin else to do.
Been reading a bunch of studies about the major dangers of drinking.
It’s so horrible that my New Year’s resolution is to quit reading altogether.
What do dogs do when they’re dancing in the club?
They raise the woof.
Two artists had an art contest.
It ended in a draw.
My bank keeps calling to complement me.
They say my balance is outstanding!
What’s a sea monster’s favorite food?
Fish and ships.
I’m offering online air guitar lessons for free.
No strings attached.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
I’m giving away racing geese for free.
You can come over if you wanna have a gander
I’m going to have to return the camouflage jacket I bought last week.
I just can’t see myself wearing it.
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man.
This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop.
I must have a chess infection.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
It’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work today.
I’m dreading it.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
How does the moon cut it’s hair?
Eclipse it.
A man loses three fingers in a work accident.
At the hospital he asks the doctor, “Will I still be able to drive with this hand?”
The doctor replies, “Maybe. But I wouldn’t count on it.”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughta-biography.
What kind of car does a rich cow drive?
A cattlelac.
Where do math teachers go on vacation?
Times Square.
Why shouldn’t you make fun of a fat person with a lisp?
They’re thick and tired of it.
What is a Christmas tree’s favorite candy?
Ornamints!
Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?
Because it’s a little meteor.
Where does a cat go when it loses its tail?
The re-tail store!
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?
Look for the Fresh Prints.
Why are demons fat?
Because they hate exorcising.
What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s workshop?
A rebel without a Claus!
You say “dad bod.”
I say “father figure.”
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since.
Been practicing for tomorrow’s bug-eating contest.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.
I was so angry earlier that I threw my keyboard against the wall and parts flew everywhere.
That’s when the shift hit the fan.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
My horse will only come out its stable when it gets dark.
It’s becoming a night mare.
You hear about the latest book on poltergeists?
It’s flying off the shelves.
Tequila may not fix your life.
But it’s worth a shot.
Why are fat penguins so popular at parties?
They know how to break the ice.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
A history degree is useless.
There’s no future in it.
Neil Diamond has listed his Volvo for sale on eBay.
Swede car online.
My family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.
But I can’t quit cold turkey.
In 1665, Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity.
Everything went downhill from there.
On the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park.
Always difficult though to round up 32 of them.
Which program does a Jedi use to open PDF files?
Adobe Wan Kenobi.
What do you call a modest insect?
A humble bee.
Where do you learn to make banana splits?
At sundae school!
Did you know that French fries weren’t originally cooked in France?
They were actually cooked in Greece.
What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time!
I dressed up as a screwdriver this past Halloween.
It wasn’t the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads.
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
What do you call an underwater dog?
A subwoofer.
What do you get when a dinosaur mates with a pig?
Jurassic pork
I was a bit afraid of making breakfast this Halloween morning.
But I ain’t afraid of no toast.
I finally disabled autocorrect on my phone.
I was getting really tired of its shirt.
Where do cows go on their first date?
To the mooooovies.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
Now we call him Dr. Awkward.
I spend most of my time telling people about the benefits of dried grapes.
It’s about raisin awareness.
I was thinking of going as a band-aid for Halloween, but then decided against it.
It would be really hard to pull off.
It was raining cats and dogs the other day.
I almost stepped in a poodle.