Welcome to the dad-a-base
Welcome to the dad-a-base
Ultimate Dad Jokes
Just found out chronic diarrhea is hereditary.
Runs in your jeans.
I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.
It’s ok though, it still saved me money.
My mom was a radiologist. She met my dad when he came in for an x-ray.
I wonder what she saw in him.
How can you tell when your clock is hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
Turns out my customers didnt like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
My wife has asked me to stop making police puns.
I said “OK, I’ll give it arrest!”
I was in a liquor store and the owner asked me if I needed help.
I replied, “Yes, but I’ll have a bottle of whisky instead.”
I’m nervous about covering my uncle’s clown shift this Friday.
Huge shoes to fill.
Due to supply chain challenges, Germany is experiencing a shortage of sausage and cheese.
The government is considering this to be the Wurst-Käse scenario.
Continue reading “Due to supply chain challenges, Germany is experiencing a shortage of sausage and cheese.”This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop.
I must have a chess infection.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Depresso.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it!
To whoever left 5 bananas on my doorstep this morning…
Thanks a bunch.
How do you console an English teacher?
There, their, they’re.
Two WiFi engineers got married.
The wedding was okay but the reception was amazing.
I got my wife a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Where do math teachers go on vacation?
Times Square.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
What do you call a person who doesn’t like pizza?
A weirdough.
What’s the difference between Jon Bon Jovi and Hannibal Lecter?
One is living on a prayer, the other is preying on a liver.
I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain.
Somebody had ripped the appendix out.
Remember, there are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for you.
“Push” and “pull.”
Never tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me.
In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
What’s the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher?
They can’t control their pupils.
What’s the opposite of a dad bod?
An auntie-body.
How do you repair a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
Went to see a play about fly fishing.
The cast was amazing.
My math teacher called me average.
How mean!
A man tried to sell me a coffin today.
I told him that’s the last thing I need.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
I’m still shocked about the streaker at the movie theater.
It was a private showing.
Finally shed my winter fat.
Now I have spring rolls.
When I was young, my mom would tear out the last page of all my comics. She would never tell me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
Never blame someone else for the road you are on.
That is your own asphalt.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
What do you call a bunch of chess fanatics bragging about their skills in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Started a tribute band with some friends and called it “The Books.”
Now nobody can judge us by our covers.
What’s it called when four Spanish ships sink?
Cuatro cinco.
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, February 14th.
Not all math jokes are terrible.
Only sum.
I always knock on the fridge door before I open it.
Just in case theres a salad dressing.
What’s the worst part about movie theater candy prices?
They’re always raisinet.
Why was the large cat disqualified from the race?
Because it was a cheetah.
I can tell I’m getting old because my kids don’t want to listen to Whitesnake with me.
So here I go again on my own.
Did you hear about the guy who took a second job as a pizza chef?
He kneaded the dough.
I attended a prom at a school for the blind and had the time of my life.
I danced like no one was watching.
What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?
Cool ranch bro.
I’ve decided not to renew my prescription glasses.
I’ve seen enough.
I am trying to teach my son chess but he struggles with the castles.
He keeps making rookie mistakes.
Why was Billy Joel’s laundry still wet?
He didn’t start the dryer.
I asked a group of windmills what their favorite type of music was.
They said “well, we’re big metal fans.”
Saw the world’s biggest fan last week.
It blew me away.
I couldn’t figure out how the seat belt worked.
Then it just clicked.
My pet mouse, Elvis, died last night.
He was caught in a trap.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.
Why are your fingers the most reliable part of the body?
You can always count on them.
My friend asked me to help round up his 47 cows.
“Sure,” I said, “50”
What month is the best for beer?
Feb-BREW-ary.
I once saw a man that used different cuts of steak to create portraits of people.
It was a rare medium, but well done.
Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
The guy who owned the movie theater died yesterday.
Funeral services are being held today at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45,
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
When I was young, I was very poor.
After years of hard work and struggle, I’m no longer young.
How do you make the number one disappear?
You just add a G and it’s gone.
My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes.
In the end it Taurus apart.
During chemistry class, I learned that sulphur dioxide should never be poured into a metal container.
It’s just an oxidant waiting to happen.
What’s a cat’s favorite TV show?
Claw and Order
85% of Americans don’t even know how to do basic math.
Thankfully, I’m part of the other 25%.
How do 37 mathematicians board a bus with only 36 seats?
They carry the one.
IS SOMETHING BURNING?
Mrs. Doubtfire: I don’t think so.
A man was admitted to hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses.
His condition has been described as stable.
I just can’t stop listening to 1970’s rock bands.
I must be developing OC/DC.
What did the zero say to the eight?
“That belt looks good on you!”
I created a dating site for Slavic chess enthusiasts.
It’s called CzechMate.
Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.?
Because it’s indivisible.
I threw a ball for my dog.
It’s a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a tuxedo.
I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anesthetic.
He said “go ahead, knock yourself out!”
When I was a kid, we bought a dog from a blacksmith.
As soon as we got home he made a bolt for the door.
I wanted to watch the World Origami Championship on TV.
But it was only on paper view.
What do you call a fat vampire?
Morbidly obese.
ProTip: If you’re ever attacked by a group of clowns…
Go for the juggler.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, with bee stings and smelling like honey…
You know she’s a keeper.
My wife left me because we had a rocky relationship.
I guess I took her for granite.
I haven’t sold a single copy of my autobiography.
That’s the story of my life.
To whoever stole my anti depressants…
I hope you’re happy now.
Never trust a train.
They have loco motives.
The only time it’s good to yell out “I have diarrhea!” is when you’re playing Scrabble.
Because it’s worth a crap load of points.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.