Welcome to the dad-a-base
Welcome to the dad-a-base
Ultimate Dad Jokes
I’ve been working really hard on my spelling lately.
My teacher says I’m almost their.
I went to the dermatologist to ask about a suspicious looking mole.
But he said I should’ve just left him in the garden where he belongs.
How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
What’s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?
We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.
I broke my finger today.
On the other hand, I am ok.
I dressed up as a screwdriver one Halloween.
It wasn’t the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads.
Almost all garden gnomes have red hats.
It’s a little-gnome fact.
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?
You don’t know what you’re missing.
I’ve officially entered the town’s annual “Tightest Hat Competition.”
I’m just hoping that I can pull it off.
What do you call a dwarf that keeps the rhythm?
A metro gnome!
My girlfriend broke up with me and took all my pasta.
Now I’m penne-less.
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper.
My wife asked me if I thought we needed new patio furniture.
I’m sitting on the fence.
Where does a mansplainer get his water from?
A well, actually.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
There was something odd about the “Do Not Touch” sign at the petting zoo.
But I couldn’t put my finger on it.
Why did the deer need braces?
He had buck teeth.
What do hunters and entrepreneurs have in common?
They both aim for big bucks.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
I gave my French wife a pendant with “le monde” inscribed in it.
It means the world to her.
What do you do when you’re being attacked by a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
I once ran a marathon in Sweden.
I knew I was lost when I crossed the Finnish line.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”
Did you hear about the new dating app that caters to arsonists?
Every week you get new matches.
Every time I go into a retail store, I always try to buy an item separator.
But the cashier keeps putting them back.
A friend told me he’s a rabbit carver, not a rabbit butcher.
I think he’s just splitting hares.
I lost my job as a mime.
Must’ve been something I said.
Why did the computer keep freezing?
It left its Windows open!
What do you call a Peruvian Pokemon?
A Machu Pikachu!
Did you hear about the guy that ran into a lamppost?
He sustained light injuries.
My cat is sick.
He doesn’t seem to be feline well.
Why couldn’t Chewbacca find a new home?
He was looking in Alderaan places.
Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
My doctor told me I’m going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
Why did the computer go to bed?
It needed to crash.
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome cooked meal.
What did the dentist say to the tooth when he had to leave the room?
I’ll fill you in when I get back.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
Continue reading “What did Tennessee?”Next week is diarrhea awareness week.
Runs until Friday.
What did the judge say to the dentist when he had a toothache?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Why did the book go to the doctor?
Because it’s spine was broken.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
How much space do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs.
That’s because they’re Inca hoots.
I met my wife at a local chess tournament.
She made the first move.
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
I’m writing a song about getting my door lock replaced.
There’s a key change at the end.
Keanu Reeves is not a big fan of April Fools.
He much more prefers the May tricks.
How do you warm up a room after it’s been painted?
Give it a second coat!
Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
Because he couldn’t find a date.
How many mystery authors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it has to have a really good twist at the end.
A friend asked me if I had seen the movie “Tractor.”
“No,” I replied, “but I’ve seen the trailer.”
A Higgs Boson walks into a church.
The priest asks it to leave. The boson says “But without me, how can you have mass?”
My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense:
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.
To the person who stole my selfie stick:
You need to take a long look at yourself.
My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me.
I had some pretty big shoes to fill.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
My girlfriend said if we don’t get married soon she’s gonna kill me.
It’s a matter of wife or death.
Why did the iPhone go to the dentist?
It had a blue tooth.
I started a new job at the chess set factory.
Currently working the knight shift.
What kind of candy do Catholics eat on Sundays?
Sacramints.
How long does jousting match last?
Until knight-fall.
My pet mouse, Elvis, died last night.
He was caught in a trap.
Kid: “Dad, what’s ET short for?
Dad: “Probably because he’s got tiny legs.”
I don’t always tell dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
I got a text saying that I won my choice of $100 cash or tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute act.
They said to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.
Muffins spelled backwards.
Is exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
Billy Joel is not responsible for mapping the Hobbit homeland.
He didn’t chart the Shire.
I tried to pay cash at the plagiarism store.
But they only take credit.
I was playing Bonopoly earlier.
It’s like Monopoly but where the streets have no name.
Why is a computer so smart?
Because it listens to its motherboard.
Continue reading “Why is a computer so smart?”What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Why did the Cookie Monster apply for a marketing job?
He heard they were tracking cookies.
Did you know Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t talk about it?
John 12:49 “I have not spoken of my own Accord.”
A man knocked on my door the other day asking for a donation for the local swimming pool.
So I gave him a glass of water.
Did any Star Wars fans out there know that Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo.
What did Plato’s dentist study?
Flossophy.
Why was the turkey put in jail?
The police suspected fowl play.
Got kicked out of the Mime Club.
Must’ve been something I said.
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?
Because it’s in its ground state.
How does a mathematician plow fields?
With a pro-tractor.
What do you call Batman when he skips church on Sunday?
Christian Bale.
I got in a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.