Why don’t escaped convicts make good authors?
Because they never finish their sentences.
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
Ultimate Dad Jokes
A shark can swim faster than a human, but a human can run faster than a shark.
So in a triathlon it comes down to who’s the better cyclist.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.
It never really took off.
Where do boats go when they’re sick?
To the doc.
I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house?
Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
I was working in a factory making plastic Draculas for Halloween.
There were only two of us on the production line so I had to make every second count.
The other day I walked past the lead singer of R.E.M.
I thought that I heard him laughing.
Someone once told me that it’s impossible to make puns about vegetables.
I said that’s not nececelery true.
I told the nurse I was bitten by a wolf. “Where?” she asked.
“No, regular,” I replied.
Never mess with a marathoner.
They run the streets.
I asked the worker at the toy store if they had any Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures in stock.
She replied, “Aisle B, back.”
When I noticed my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
Fun fact: “Sugar” is the only word in the English language where the “su-” makes a “sh” sound.
At least, I’m pretty sure that’s correct.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.
She said, “How do you know it was on its way to work?”
A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
It’s believed both crews have been marooned.
Why didn’t the aliens want to visit our solar system?
They checked our reviews. Only one star.
I will never donate money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
Look, grandpa! No hands!
What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?
A sister-in-law.
Why did the cat run away from the tree?
Because he was afraid of its bark.
Last night as I was drifting to sleep, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking…
What happened to my roof?
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she’s sangria then ever.
Are any Halloween monsters good at math?
Not unless you count Dracula.
At least the lady at the shoe store thinks I’m a 10.
Kinda weird she called me wide though.
I have a condition where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.
My doctor says it’s terminal.
What’s the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing us a song while chickpeas can only hummus one.
There is a new movie coming out about mobile homes.
I just saw the trailer.
Dentist: Open up please.
Me: It all started when I was young.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “How to drive this thing?”
The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.
Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?
There was no chemistry.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
The chess grand master used to compete in much simpler games.
You could say he had a checkered past.
What do you call a person who pretends to be Swedish?
An artificial Swedener.
I used to work for a circus.
I was a human cannonball until they fired me.
The backstage crews are the biggest theater fans.
They’re always giving props to the performers.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
I have some racing geese for sale.
Let me know if you wanna take a quick gander.
Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.
Apparently he’s been using performance enhancing rugs.
My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me.
I had some pretty big shoes to fill.
Why is a show at the planetarium better than one at the theater?
Because there are more stars.
What’s a zombie’s favorite exercise?
The deadlift.
My boss calls me “the computer.”
Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Continue reading “My boss calls me “the computer.””I’ve heard that it can be hard at first to learn Braille.
But after a while you start to get a feel for it.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye-deer.
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries.
But I wasn’t sure how to fraise it.
After committing theft and arson, a psychic gnome is on the run from authorities.
In other words, there is a small medium at large.
What do you call it when the dentist pulls the wrong tooth?
An acci-dental procedure.
Why do pirates listen to opera music?
Because they love the high Cs.
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
A man sued an airline company after they lost his luggage.
Sadly, he lost his case.
What does Jeff Bezos do every night before bed?
He puts his pajamazon.
Customer: “May I try on that dress in the window, please?”
Clerk: “No, ma’am. You’ll have to use the dressing room like everyone else.”
Ghosts are such bad liars.
You can see right through them.
What did one introvert say to the other introvert?
Absolutely nothing and they quickly and happily parted ways.
Why hasn’t Peru adopted LED lights yet?
Because they are proud of their Incan descent.
Why did the barber win the race?
He knew a short cut.
After buying a new limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
Continue reading “After buying a new limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.”What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer?
The space bar.
I stubbed my toe and got scolded by my parents for yelling “What the duck.”
They were angry that I used fowl language.
My date stood me up at the movie theater.
I had to sit back down after getting yelled at by the family behind me.
Continue reading “My date stood me up at the movie theater.”My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theater.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
Why does the Swedish navy have bar codes on their ships?
So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.
Continue reading “Why does the Swedish navy have bar codes on their ships?”Why can’t people hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can’t whistle.
Continue reading “Why can’t people hear a dog whistle?”I was once so broke I couldn’t afford to pay my electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
Continue reading “I was once so broke I couldn’t afford to pay my electricity bill.”My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Whenever I go to a psychic, they’re either angry or depressed.
I’ve never met a happy medium.
I’m a social vegan.
I avoid meets.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
I once yelled into a colander.
Strained my voice.
Why did the green pepper have to withdraw from the archery contest?
Because he didn’t habanero.
You know Orion’s Belt?
Waist of space.
A bunch of books fell on my head today.
I guess I only have my shelf to blame.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I’ve lost a ton of weight just by wearing bread on my head all day for weeks.
It’s this new loaf hat diet I’m trying out.
Continue reading “I’ve lost a ton of weight just by wearing bread on my head all day for weeks.”Why couldn’t the mechanic become an actor?
He couldn’t get the parts.
Why did the knight wear his armor to bed?
He wanted to get a good knight’s sleep.
I have a pet tree.
It’s like having a pet dog except the bark is quieter.