I got stuck in an elevator once.
Now I take steps to avoid them.
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
Puns
Currently on a long-distance flight and the only meal options are white meat chicken or German sausage.
Unfortunately I’m in the last row, so I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
I asked my iPhone what to do when I feel sleepy in the middle of the day.
It turns out there’s a nap for that!
I once asked a cheese maker if there was any way he could make me a block of cheddar with soy milk.
He said, “I’m sorry, but there’s no whey.”
What do you call an airplane full of balding men?
Receding Airlines.
I’ve decided I want a pet termite. I’m going to call him Clint.
Clint Eats wood.
What did the finger say to the thumb?
I’m in glove with you.
Which actor drives the least?
Christopher Walken.
I almost invested in a distillery, but I backed out at the last minute.
I found out it was a whiskey business.
I recently spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for him.
Continue reading “I recently spotted an albino Dalmatian.”I asked a scarecrow if he enjoyed his job.
He said “It’s not for everyone, but hay, it’s in my jeans.”
Continue reading “I asked a scarecrow if he enjoyed his job.”Dogs can’t operate MRI machines.
Only catscan.
Dad jokes leave me numb.
But math jokes leave me number.
What did Mike Tyson say after working out with Chris Hemsworth?
You’re gonna be Thor in the morning.
Continue reading “What did Mike Tyson say after working out with Chris Hemsworth?”I made a joke at the expense of my one-armed friend at his birthday party, everyone laughed except him.
I guess he just didn’t find it humerus.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Yeah, brochure.
I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in our backyard eating ice cream.
They were basking robins.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side.
My sister made a bet with me that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
You can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix so remember:
Don’t drink and derive.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage.
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I looked at the therapist and responded…
“Divorce is strong with this one!”
Argentina is surprisingly cold.
In fact, it’s bordering on Chile.
What did Rudolph say to his wife when the sky got dark and cloudy?
“Looks like it’s gonna reindeer.”
I applied for a job cleaning & hanging mirrors.
It’s a job I can really see myself doing.
I got a job making chess pieces.
I’m currently working knights.
My neighbor brags that his dog can bring a ball back from nearly half a mile away.
It sounds a bit far-fetched to me.
I don’t know who needs to know this but even if a bear wears socks and shoes.
He still has bear feet.
Lose an electron?
Gotta keep an ion it.
Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun?
She was a Roman Catholic.
Tequila may not fix your life.
But it’s worth a shot.
This morning in the supermarket, a woman tried to steal lettuce, mayo, anchovies, parmesan and croutons.
As she ran away I shouted: “Seize her salad!”
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play at that game.
After years of renovation, London’s iconic Big Ben is functioning again.
Thanks to everyone who worked around the clock to make it happen.
I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.
He replied, “I always have a few twix up my sleeve.”
What do you call a fat jack-o-lantern?
A plumpkin!
What did the carrot say to the romaine during church?
Lettuce pray.