Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?
Because it’s a little meteor.
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
Recent Jokes
Where does a cat go when it loses its tail?
The re-tail store!
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
A king and queen walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, you’re not 21.”
My neighbor brags that his dog can bring a ball back from nearly half a mile away.
It sounds a bit far-fetched to me.
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?
Look for the Fresh Prints.
Why are demons fat?
Because they hate exorcising.
I don’t know who needs to know this but even if a bear wears socks and shoes.
He still has bear feet.
What’s smarter than a talking cat?
A spelling bee!
What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s workshop?
A rebel without a Claus!
Did you hear about the guy who evaporated?
He will be mist.
Lose an electron?
Gotta keep an ion it.
You say “dad bod.”
I say “father figure.”
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since.
Been practicing for tomorrow’s bug-eating contest.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.
Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun?
She was a Roman Catholic.
I was so angry earlier that I threw my keyboard against the wall and parts flew everywhere.
That’s when the shift hit the fan.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
My horse will only come out its stable when it gets dark.
It’s becoming a night mare.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
You hear about the latest book on poltergeists?
It’s flying off the shelves.
Tequila may not fix your life.
But it’s worth a shot.
Why are fat penguins so popular at parties?
They know how to break the ice.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
A history degree is useless.
There’s no future in it.
Neil Diamond has listed his Volvo for sale on eBay.
Swede car online.
This morning in the supermarket, a woman tried to steal lettuce, mayo, anchovies, parmesan and croutons.
As she ran away I shouted: “Seize her salad!”
A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What do you want?” The man says, “Oh, just some fruit punch.”
The bartender sighs and shakes his head, “If you want punch, you’re gonna have to wait in line.” The man looks around, but there is no punchline.
My family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.
But I can’t quit cold turkey.
In 1665, Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity.
Everything went downhill from there.
An argument erupts during Thanksgiving dinner.
Wife: *Whispers to me* “Don’t start taking sides this time.” Me: *Sliding roast potatoes in pocket* “Why not? They’re too busy yelling to notice.”
On the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park.
Always difficult though to round up 32 of them.
Which program does a Jedi use to open PDF files?
Adobe Wan Kenobi.
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play at that game.
What do you call a modest insect?
A humble bee.
After years of renovation, London’s iconic Big Ben is functioning again.
Thanks to everyone who worked around the clock to make it happen.
Where do you learn to make banana splits?
At sundae school!
Did you know that French fries weren’t originally cooked in France?
They were actually cooked in Greece.
What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time!
I dressed up as a screwdriver this past Halloween.
It wasn’t the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads.
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
What do you call an underwater dog?
A subwoofer.
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar.
The bartender says “Oh no! Not U2 again!”
A golden nugget walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “AU, get outta here!”
I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.
He replied, “I always have a few twix up my sleeve.”
What do you get when a dinosaur mates with a pig?
Jurassic pork
I was a bit afraid of making breakfast this Halloween morning.
But I ain’t afraid of no toast.
How do you fix a broken gourd?
With a pumpkin patch.
I finally disabled autocorrect on my phone.
I was getting really tired of its shirt.
Where do cows go on their first date?
To the mooooovies.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
Now we call him Dr. Awkward.
I spend most of my time telling people about the benefits of dried grapes.
It’s about raisin awareness.
Did you hear about the nervous jack o’ lantern?
It had no guts.
I was thinking of going as a band-aid for Halloween, but then decided against it.
It would be really hard to pull off.
What do you call a fat jack-o-lantern?
A plumpkin!
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Did you hear about the cat who ate a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.
It was raining cats and dogs the other day.
I almost stepped in a poodle.
Did you hear the joke about the bed?
I haven’t made it yet.
What insect has the highest cholesterol?
A butterfly!
What’s worse than an alligator with toothache?
A centipede with athlete’s foot!
Platypus walks into Duck’s bar. He finishes his drink and Duck gives him the check.
Duck billed Platypus.
Spent the weekend childproofing the house.
But somehow they got back in. 🤷🏻♂️
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
Why was the mathematician banned from the forest?
He was caught taking natural logs.
Why was Cinderella bad at football?
Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.
Why did the sad ghost use an elevator?
To lift his spirits.