My 95 year old grandmother is amazing. She still doesn’t use glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
Recent Jokes
My coworkers laugh at my jokes during in-person meetings, but never in online meetings.
When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren’t remotely funny.
Why are cats so good at video games?
Because they have 9 lives.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
How do you clean a pig?
Ham sanitizer.
I don’t always meet a nice girl.
But when I do, I meet her boyfriend 10 minutes later.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It’s time to sweep!
You can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
I hear it’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?
Neither did he.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he had no guts.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
The man responsible for inventing the “wind chill factor” has sadly passed away.
He was 98 but felt like 85.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
Why was the math book distressed?
It had too many problems.
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix so remember:
Don’t drink and derive.
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug?
She’ll be having her baby in the spring.
An ego and a superego walk into a bar.
The bartender asks for their id.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage.
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I looked at the therapist and responded… “Divorce is strong with this one!”
I love when they drop the ball in Times Square.
It’s a nice reminder of what I’ve done all year.
Why did the baker cross the road?
Because he had muffin else to do.
Been reading a bunch of studies about the major dangers of drinking.
It’s so horrible that my New Year’s resolution is to quit reading altogether.
I don’t always whoop.
But when I do, there it is.
Argentina is surprisingly cold.
In fact, it’s bordering on Chile.
Did you hear that the inventor of autocorrect died?
May he rust in place.
What do dogs do when they’re dancing in the club?
They raise the woof.
Two artists had an art contest.
It ended in a draw.
A chicken and and egg walk into a bar.
The bartender comes in from the back and says, “Who came first?”
My bank keeps calling to complement me.
They say my balance is outstanding!
What’s a sea monster’s favorite food?
Fish and ships.
I’m offering online air guitar lessons for free.
No strings attached.
My email password got hacked again.
That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
What did Rudolph say to his wife when the sky got dark and cloudy?
“Looks like it’s gonna reindeer.”
Wife: “I want another baby.”
Me: “That’s a relief. I didn’t like this one either.”
Dad jokes in the streets.
Dad bod in the sheets.
I applied for a job cleaning & hanging mirrors.
It’s a job I can really see myself doing.
I’m giving away racing geese for free.
You can come over if you wanna have a gander
I’m going to have to return the camouflage jacket I bought last week.
I just can’t see myself wearing it.
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man.
This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop.
I must have a chess infection.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
The bartender shows them the door and says “We don’t serve your type.”
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
I got a job making chess pieces.
I’m currently working knights.
It’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work today.
I’m dreading it.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
How does the moon cut it’s hair?
Eclipse it.
A man loses three fingers in a work accident.
At the hospital he asks the doctor, “Will I still be able to drive with this hand?” The doctor replies, “Maybe. But I wouldn’t count on it.”
Did you hear about the man who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the No Bell prize.
At his birthday party, a man who just turned 103 was asked if he thought he’d be around for his 104th birthday.
“I certainly do,” he replied. “Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104.”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughta-biography.
What kind of car does a rich cow drive?
A cattlelac.
Where do math teachers go on vacation?
Times Square.
Eminem walks into a bar and orders a round of shots.
The bartender says “You only get one shot.”
She leaned over and said, “I love your dad bod.”
I shrugged and replied, “yeah, it’s growing on me.”
Why shouldn’t you make fun of a fat person with a lisp?
They’re thick and tired of it.
I met my wife at the adhesive factory where we both worked.
We bonded immediately.
What is a Christmas tree’s favorite candy?
Ornamints!
Did you hear that Elton John bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit?
It’s a little fit bunny…