I made a joke at the expense of my one-armed friend at his birthday party, everyone laughed except him.
I guess he just didn’t find it humerus.
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
Recent Jokes
I couldn’t figure out how the seat belt worked.
Then it just clicked.
My pet mouse, Elvis, died last night.
He was caught in a trap.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.
Why are your fingers the most reliable part of the body?
You can always count on them.
My friend asked me to help round up his 47 cows.
“Sure,” I said, “50”
I am trying to teach my son chess but he struggles with the castles.
He keeps making rookie mistakes.
What month is the best for beer?
Feb-BREW-ary.
My wife leaned over and said, “I love your dad bod.”
I shrugged and replied, “yeah, it’s growing on me.”
I once saw a man that used different cuts of steak to create portraits of people.
It was a rare medium, but well done.
Shout out to my grandma.
That’s the only way she’ll hear you.
Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
My friends say I’m getting fat, but in my defense…
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.
The guy who owned the movie theater died yesterday.
Funeral services are being held today at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45,
What do frogs order when they go to a restaurant?
French flies!
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Yeah, brochure.
I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect.
Then they fried me for no raisin.
I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in our backyard eating ice cream.
They were basking robins.
When I was young, I was very poor.
After years of hard work and struggle, I’m no longer young.
How do you make the number one disappear?
You just add a G and it’s gone.
My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes.
In the end it Taurus apart.
During chemistry class, I learned that sulphur dioxide should never be poured into a metal container.
It’s just an oxidant waiting to happen.
What’s a cat’s favorite TV show?
Claw and Order
85% of Americans don’t even know how to do basic math.
Thankfully, I’m part of the other 25%.
How do 37 mathematicians board a bus with only 36 seats?
They carry the one.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side.
IS SOMETHING BURNING?
Mrs. Doubtfire: I don’t think so.
A man was admitted to hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses.
His condition has been described as stable.
I just can’t stop listening to 1970’s rock bands.
I must be developing OC
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!
My sister made a bet with me that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
My New Year’s resolution is to quit procrastinating.
I’ll start tomorrow.
Did you hear about the guy that was arrested at the board game shop?
Apparently he walked in and said he was looking for trouble.
I don’t always tell dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
Why do ducks have feathers on their tails?
To cover their buttquacks.
A guy walks into a bar…
And is immediately disqualified from the limbo contest.
What did the zero say to the eight?
“That belt looks good on you!”
I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
I created a dating site for Slavic chess enthusiasts.
It’s called CzechMate.
Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.?
Because it’s indivisible.
I threw a ball for my dog.
It’s a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a tuxedo.
I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anesthetic.
He said “go ahead, knock yourself out!”
When I was a kid, we bought a dog from a blacksmith.
As soon as we got home he made a bolt for the door.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
I wanted to watch the World Origami Championship on TV.
But it was only on paper view.
What do you call a fat vampire?
Morbidly obese.
ProTip: If you’re ever attacked by a group of clowns…
Go for the juggler.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, with bee stings and smelling like honey…
You know she’s a keeper.
My wife left me because we had a rocky relationship.
I guess I took her for granite.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.
The bartender says, “Olive or Twist?”
I haven’t sold a single copy of my autobiography.
That’s the story of my life.
To whoever stole my anti depressants…
I hope you’re happy now.
What do you call a pile of cats?
A meowntain.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
Never trust a train.
They have loco motives.
The only time it’s good to yell out “I have diarrhea!” is when you’re playing Scrabble.
Because it’s worth a crap load of points.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m.
I’m not really a mourning person.
I went to the zoo the other day, but there was only one dog in it.
It was a shitzu.
Why did Dracula not want to attend the business meeting?
He was afraid of the stakeholders.
A ghost walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.”
Do you know why I don’t trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
People are saying I’ve got too much time on my hands.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with.
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens.
I hate autocorrect.
It always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo!
What font do they use for the letter noodles in Alphabet Soup?
Times New Ramen.
A giraffe walks into a bar.
“Sorry,” says the bartender, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”
I asked the carpenter not to carpet my steps.
He gave me a blank stair.
What happens when you cross an angry sheep with an angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaad moood.
You hear about the latest book on poltergeists?
It’s flying off the shelves.
What’s the difference between the United States and a memory stick?
One’s the USA and the other’s a USB.
I accidentally took my cat’s medicine last night.
Don’t ask meow.
Did you hear about the new line of Elvis-themed steakhouses?
They will cater to people who love meat tender.
Did you hear they arrested the devil?
They got him on possession.