I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
Turns out my customers didnt like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
Recent Jokes
My wife has asked me to stop making police puns.
I said “OK, I’ll give it arrest!”
My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.
Things got tense.
I was in a liquor store and the owner asked me if I needed help.
I replied, “Yes, but I’ll have a bottle of whisky instead.”
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Scientists have recentlv discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive.
It’s called wedding cake.
Did you hear about the two spiders that got engaged?
I hear they met on the web.
I’m nervous about covering my uncle’s clown shift this Friday.
Huge shoes to fill.
Due to supply chain challenges, Germany is experiencing a shortage of sausage and cheese.
The government is considering this to be the Wurst-Käse scenario.
I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper yesterday.
I think he must be plotting something.
This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop.
I must have a chess infection.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Depresso.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it!
Did you know that alligators can grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have four.
To whoever left 5 bananas on my doorstep this morning…
Thanks a bunch.
How do you console an English teacher?
There, their, they’re.
Two WiFi engineers got married.
The wedding was okay but the reception was amazing.
I got my wife a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My wife told me I ruined her birthday.
That’s crazy, I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
Where do math teachers go on vacation?
Times Square.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make?
A dino-snore.
What do you call a person who doesn’t like pizza?
A weirdough.
What’s the difference between Jon Bon Jovi and Hannibal Lecter?
One is living on a prayer, the other is preying on a liver.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Ice crispies.
I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain.
Somebody had ripped the appendix out.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines.
Only catscan.
Remember, there are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for you.
“Push” and “pull.”
Never tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me.
In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
What’s the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher?
They can’t control their pupils.
What’s the opposite of a dad bod?
An auntie-body.
How do you repair a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
What did the mommy spider say to the baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web!
Went to see a play about fly fishing.
The cast was amazing.
My math teacher called me average.
How mean!
A man tried to sell me a coffin today.
I told him that’s the last thing I need.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
I’m still shocked about the streaker at the movie theater.
It was a private showing.
Finally shed my winter fat.
Now I have spring rolls.
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France?
All that was left was de Brie.
When I was young, my mom would tear out the last page of all my comics. She would never tell me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
Never blame someone else for the road you are on.
That is your own asphalt.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumbly!
Can February march?
No, but April may.
What do you call a bunch of chess fanatics bragging about their skills in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Started a tribute band with some friends and called it “The Books.”
Now nobody can judge us by our covers.
What’s it called when four Spanish ships sink?
Cuatro cinco.
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, February 14th.
Not all math jokes are terrible.
Only sum.
I don’t have a “dad bod.”
I like to refer to it as a “father figure.”
If Batman wasn’t rich…
Would he be robin’?
A teacher walks into a bar and asks “Can I have a beer?”
The bartender says “I don’t know, CAN YOU?”
What’s better than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee!
I always knock on the fridge door before I open it.
Just in case theres a salad dressing.
What’s the worst part about movie theater candy prices?
They’re always raisinet.
Why was the large cat disqualified from the race?
Because it was a cheetah.
I can tell I’m getting old because my kids don’t want to listen to Whitesnake with me.
So here I go again on my own.
Did you hear about the guy who took a second job as a pizza chef?
He kneaded the dough.
Dad jokes leave me numb.
But math jokes leave me number.
I attended a prom at a school for the blind and had the time of my life.
I danced like no one was watching.
The man who invented auto correct walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
What kind of snakes live on cars?
Windshield vipers.
Dear autocorrect, it’s not “ducking.”
It’s never “ducking.”
What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?
Cool ranch bro.
I’ve decided not to renew my prescription glasses.
I’ve seen enough.
When Chuck Norris went off to college, he looked his dad in the eyes and said:
“You’re the man of the house now.”
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people.
Then it exploded.
What did Mike Tyson say after working out with Chris Hemsworth?
You’re gonna be Thor in the morning.
I am trying to teach my son chess but he struggles with the castles.
He keeps making rookie mistakes.
Why was Billy Joel’s laundry still wet?
He didn’t start the dryer.
I asked a group of windmills what their favorite type of music was.
They said “well, we’re big metal fans.”
Saw the world’s biggest fan last week.
It blew me away.