How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
Recent Jokes
Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
My doctor told me I’m going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
Why did the computer go to bed?
It needed to crash.
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome cooked meal.
What’s a dentist’s favorite time of the day?
Tooth-hurty.
What did the dentist say to the tooth when he had to leave the room?
I’ll fill you in when I get back.
There once was a man from Peru.
Whose limerick was three lines too few.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
Next week is diarrhea awareness week.
Runs until Friday.
Where do dogs go after losing their tail?
The re-tail store!
What did the judge say to the dentist when he had a toothache?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Why did the book go to the doctor?
Because it’s spine was broken.
What did the drummer name his daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped?
He doesn’t want to be spotted.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because he wasn’t peeling very well.
How much space do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
What do you call the Easter bunny after Easter?
Eggshausted
Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs.
That’s because they’re Inca hoots.
I met my wife at a local chess tournament.
She made the first move.
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
I’m writing a song about getting my door lock replaced.
There’s a key change at the end.
Keanu Reeves is not a big fan of April Fools.
He much more prefers the May tricks.
Last night, my wife and I watched three movies back-to-back.
Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.
How do you warm up a room after it’s been painted?
Give it a second coat!
How did the tree feel when Spring arrived?
It was re-leaved.
Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
Because he couldn’t find a date.
How many mystery authors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it has to have a really good twist at the end.
A friend asked me if I had seen the movie “Tractor.”
“No,” I replied, “but I’ve seen the trailer.”
Did you hear the joke about the guy with the broken hearing aid?
Neither did he.
A Higgs Boson walks into a church.
The priest asks it to leave. The boson says “But without me, how can you have mass?”
My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense:
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.
To the person who stole my selfie stick:
You need to take a long look at yourself.
My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me.
I had some pretty big shoes to fill.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
My girlfriend said if we don’t get married soon she’s gonna kill me.
It’s a matter of wife or death.
Why did the iPhone go to the dentist?
It had a blue tooth.
I started a new job at the chess set factory.
Currently working the knight shift.
What kind of candy do Catholics eat on Sundays?
Sacramints.
What game do clocks like to play?
Tick tock toe.
How long does jousting match last?
Until knight-fall.
My pet mouse, Elvis, died last night.
He was caught in a trap.
Kid: “Dad, what’s ET short for?
Dad: “Probably because he’s got tiny legs.”
I don’t always tell dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
I got a text saying that I won my choice of $100 cash or tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute act.
They said to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.
A priest, a nun, a rabbi, a lawyer, and a doctor walk into a bar.
The bartender takes one look at them and says, “What is this? A joke?”
I recently came home from vacation and my friend asked me, “Was it warm in Peru?”
I said, “It was actually Chile.”
Muffins spelled backwards.
Is exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
What do you call a bear without teeth?
A gummy bear!
Billy Joel is not responsible for mapping the Hobbit homeland.
He didn’t chart the Shire.
My wife threatened to leave me because of my “disgusting habits.”
I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails.
I tried to pay cash at the plagiarism store.
But they only take credit.
I was playing Bonopoly earlier.
It’s like Monopoly but where the streets have no name.
Why is a computer so smart?
Because it listens to its motherboard.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Why did the Cookie Monster apply for a marketing job?
He heard they were tracking cookies.
Did you know Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t talk about it?
John 12:49 “I have not spoken of my own Accord.”
A man knocked on my door the other day asking for a donation for the local swimming pool.
So I gave him a glass of water.
Did any Star Wars fans out there know that Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo.
What did Plato’s dentist study?
Flossophy.
Why was the turkey put in jail?
The police suspected fowl play.
Got kicked out of the Mime Club.
Must’ve been something I said.
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
Did you hear about the fire that broke out at the yodeling school?
Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?
Because it’s in its ground state.
How does a mathematician plow fields?
With a pro-tractor.
What do you call Batman when he skips church on Sunday?
Christian Bale.
I got in a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
What do bees like to chew?
Bumble gum.
Did you hear about the fight that broke out at the seafood restaurant?
Battered fish everywhere.
In what key do cows sing?
Beef flat.
Just found out chronic diarrhea is hereditary.
Runs in your jeans.
I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.
It’s ok though, it still saved me money.
My mom was a radiologist. She met my dad when he came in for an x-ray.
I wonder what she saw in him.
How can you tell when your clock is hungry?
It goes back four seconds.