What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer?
The space bar.
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
Recent Jokes
I stubbed my toe and got scolded by my parents for yelling “What the duck.”
They were angry that I used fowl language.
I recently spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for him.
I asked a scarecrow if he enjoyed his job.
He said “It’s not for everyone, but hay, it’s in my jeans.”
My date stood me up at the movie theater.
I had to sit back down after getting yelled at by the family behind me.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theater.
I once wrote and directed a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
My local movie theater is cracking down on outside snacks, but that’s okay.
I have a few Twix up my sleeve.
A friend of mine once dated a girl named Arial for a while, but they split up.
She just wasn’t his type.
Why does the Swedish navy have bar codes on their ships?
So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.
Why can’t people hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can’t whistle.
I was once so broke I couldn’t afford to pay my electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
What did the movie director say before shooting a dangerous stunt scene?
It’s a take I’m willing to risk.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Whenever I go to a psychic, they’re either angry or depressed.
I’ve never met a happy medium.
I’m a social vegan.
I avoid meets.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says…
“Five beers, please.”
I once yelled into a colander.
Strained my voice.
Why did the green pepper have to withdraw from the archery contest?
Because he didn’t habanero.
You know Orion’s Belt?
Waist of space.
A bunch of books fell on my head today.
I guess I only have my shelf to blame.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
People have always told me that “icy” is the easiest word to spell.
Now that I look at it, I see why.
If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go to?
Purrrrrgatory.
I’ve lost a ton of weight just by wearing bread on my head all day for weeks.
It’s this new loaf hat diet I’m trying out.
Why couldn’t the mechanic become an actor?
He couldn’t get the parts.
Why did the knight wear his armor to bed?
He wanted to get a good knight’s sleep.
I have a pet tree.
It’s like having a pet dog except the bark is quieter.
I’ve been working really hard on my spelling lately.
My teacher says I’m almost their.
I went to the dermatologist to ask about a suspicious looking mole.
But he said I should’ve just left him in the garden where he belongs.
How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
What do you call a red-headed baker?
A ginger bread man!
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
What’s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?
We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.
I broke my finger today.
On the other hand, I am ok.
I dressed up as a screwdriver one Halloween.
It wasn’t the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads.
Almost all garden gnomes have red hats.
It’s a little-gnome fact.
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?
You don’t know what you’re missing.
I’ve officially entered the town’s annual “Tightest Hat Competition.”
I’m just hoping that I can pull it off.
What do you call a dwarf that keeps the rhythm?
A metro gnome!
Did you hear about the opera singer who threw the game opening baseball?
They say she had perfect pitch.
My girlfriend broke up with me and took all my pasta.
Now I’m penne-less.
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper.
My wife asked me if I thought we needed new patio furniture.
I’m sitting on the fence.
Where does a mansplainer get his water from?
A well, actually.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
There was something odd about the “Do Not Touch” sign at the petting zoo.
But I couldn’t put my finger on it.
I’d never let my children go to the orchestra.
There’s just too much sax and violins.
Why did the deer need braces?
He had buck teeth.
What do hunters and entrepreneurs have in common?
They both aim for big bucks.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
I gave my French wife a pendant with “le monde” inscribed in it.
It means the world to her.
What do you do when you’re being attacked by a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
I once ran a marathon in Sweden.
I knew I was lost when I crossed the Finnish line.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”
Did you hear about the new dating app that caters to arsonists?
Every week you get new matches.
Every time I go into a retail store, I always try to buy an item separator.
But the cashier keeps putting them back.
A friend told me he’s a rabbit carver, not a rabbit butcher.
I think he’s just splitting hares.
I lost my job as a mime.
Must’ve been something I said.
Why did the computer keep freezing?
It left its Windows open!
What do you call a Peruvian Pokemon?
A Machu Pikachu!
Dentists always ask dumb questions like “When’s the last time you flossed?”
Like man, you were there!
How does a DNA molecule moisten a stamp?
Helix it.
Did you hear about the guy that ran into a lamppost?
He sustained light injuries.
What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Straw-berries.
The other day I had just come home from work when my wife ran towards me and tore off all her clothes.
Suddenly my wife flashed before my eyes.
My cat is sick.
He doesn’t seem to be feline well.
How do you cook an alligator?
In a Crock Pot!
Why couldn’t Chewbacca find a new home?
He was looking in Alderaan places.