Why don’t escaped convicts make good authors?
Because they never finish their sentences.
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
The Mediocre Joker
Welcome to the dad-a-base
Recent Jokes
Hotel hack: If you’re trying to book a room but the hotel says they’re full, try booking again under the name “Improvement.”
Because there’s always room for improvement.
A shark can swim faster than a human, but a human can run faster than a shark.
So in a triathlon it comes down to who’s the better cyclist.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.
It never really took off.
Where do boats go when they’re sick?
To the doc.
My son asked if I was named after my dad.
I said, “Of course I was, he was born many years before me.”
I remember how horrible it felt when I couldn’t pay my electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
I got stuck in an elevator once.
Now I take steps to avoid them.
I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house?
Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
Why did the monster go to the barber?
Because he needed a scare cut!
I was working in a factory making plastic Draculas for Halloween.
There were only two of us on the production line so I had to make every second count.
The other day I walked past the lead singer of R.E.M.
I thought that I heard him laughing.
Someone once told me that it’s impossible to make puns about vegetables.
I said that’s not nececelery true.
I told the nurse I was bitten by a wolf. “Where?” she asked.
“No, regular,” I replied.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Never mess with a marathoner.
They run the streets.
Currently on a long-distance flight and the only meal options are white meat chicken or German sausage.
Unfortunately I’m in the last row, so I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
I asked the worker at the toy store if they had any Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures in stock.
She replied, “Aisle B, back.”
When I noticed my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
I asked my iPhone what to do when I feel sleepy in the middle of the day.
It turns out there’s a nap for that!
Fun fact: “Sugar” is the only word in the English language where the “su-” makes a “sh” sound.
At least, I’m pretty sure that’s correct.
I once asked a cheese maker if there was any way he could make me a block of cheddar with soy milk.
He said, “I’m sorry, but there’s no whey.”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
What do you call an airplane full of balding men?
Receding Airlines.
I’ve decided I want a pet termite. I’m going to call him Clint.
Clint Eats wood.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.
She said, “How do you know it was on its way to work?”
A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
It’s believed both crews have been marooned.
Why didn’t the aliens want to visit our solar system?
They checked our reviews. Only one star.
What did the finger say to the thumb?
I’m in glove with you.
I will never donate money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
Look, grandpa! No hands!
What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?
A sister-in-law.
Which actor drives the least?
Christopher Walken.
I almost invested in a distillery, but I backed out at the last minute.
I found out it was a whiskey business.
Why did the cat run away from the tree?
Because he was afraid of its bark.
Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea?
It’s all over town.
Last night as I was drifting to sleep, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking…
What happened to my roof?
SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.
But Patrick is the star.
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she’s sangria then ever.
Are any Halloween monsters good at math?
Not unless you count Dracula.
At least the lady at the shoe store thinks I’m a 10.
Kinda weird she called me wide though.
I have a condition where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.
My doctor says it’s terminal.
What’s the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing us a song while chickpeas can only hummus one.
My math teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I just don’t get the difference.
There is a new movie coming out about mobile homes.
I just saw the trailer.
Dentist: Open up please.
Me: It all started when I was young.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “How to drive this thing?”
The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.
Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?
There was no chemistry.
Why did the book get stitches?
Because it had its appendix removed.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
The chess grand master used to compete in much simpler games.
You could say he had a checkered past.
What do you call a person who pretends to be Swedish?
An artificial Swedener.
I used to work for a circus.
I was a human cannonball until they fired me.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
The backstage crews are the biggest theater fans.
They’re always giving props to the performers.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
My dental hygienist recently won the local ‘Best Teeth Cleaning’ award.
She keeps the plaque on her desk.
I have some racing geese for sale.
Let me know if you wanna take a quick gander.
Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.
Apparently he’s been using performance enhancing rugs.
My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me.
I had some pretty big shoes to fill.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy.
But other times I let her sleep in.
Why is a show at the planetarium better than one at the theater?
Because there are more stars.
What’s a zombie’s favorite exercise?
The deadlift.
My boss calls me “the computer.”
Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I’ve heard that it can be hard at first to learn Braille.
But after a while you start to get a feel for it.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye-deer.
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries.
But I wasn’t sure how to fraise it.
After committing theft and arson, a psychic gnome is on the run from authorities.
In other words, there is a small medium at large.
What do you call it when the dentist pulls the wrong tooth?
An acci-dental procedure.
Why do pirates listen to opera music?
Because they love the high Cs.
What’s a dentist’s favorite time of the day?
Tooth-hurty!
Did you hear about the latest Broadway controversy?
Turns out ALL their plays are staged.
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
A man sued an airline company after they lost his luggage.
Sadly, he lost his case.
What does Jeff Bezos do every night before bed?
He puts his pajamazon.
Customer: “May I try on that dress in the window, please?”
Clerk: “No, ma’am. You’ll have to use the dressing room like everyone else.”
Ghosts are such bad liars.
You can see right through them.
What did one introvert say to the other introvert?
Absolutely nothing and they quickly and happily parted ways.
Why hasn’t Peru adopted LED lights yet?
Because they are proud of their Incan descent.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
Why did the barber win the race?
He knew a short cut.
After buying a new limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.